The Minsc Offensive
by Kallamae
Summary: When all hope seems lost, an unlikely hero emerges. A bit of fun which should in no way ever be taken seriously.


Commander Shepard could feel her life draining away. She was too tired to mourn the future she wouldn't have. How could she turn her thoughts to any petty regrets when her death meant Earth would live? She leaned her head back and closed her eyes against the dizziness. Silently she sent an apology to Kaidan, another price to be paid for Earth's survival. She hoped he would understand. Her heart pounded erratically. It wouldn't be long now. And then she could rest.

"It's not working," Hackett's frantic voice cut through her revery. "Shepard, are you there?"

Her eyes fluttered open. "Wha...?"

"The crucible isn't firing. It must be something on your end."

Squinting, she tried to makes her eyes focus on the control console. "I can't...I don't know what to do," her voice faded. Her legs shook barely able to hold her weight. Panic seized her heart in its cold fist. It was supposed to be over. Her death was supposed to mean something.

As her legs gave out, she still reached for the controls. She couldn't see. Everything was fading away.

"Shepard?" Hackett called out.

There was no answer.

000000000000

Joker would forever deny screaming like a little girl, no matter how many times EDI replayed the Normandy's logs. But really, how else could a person respond when a small furball climbs up your shoulder and drops with a certain balanced grace onto the main controls?

On closer inspection the small brown ball of fur was definitely a hamster. How the hell did Shepard's hamster get to the bridge? Joker tried to sweep the commander's pet to the floor, but it lithely jumped over his hand. Sitting back on its haunches, the animal began chattering in a series of high-pitched squeaks.

"What the hell?" Joker tried and failed once again to shoo the creature away. "Um, EDI?" He wasn't sure what question to ask, but it might be nice to hear some reassurance that she was seeing the same thing. Hallucination was definitely in his top three explanations for what he currently saw.

"Jeff," EDI's voice was hesitant. "As unlikely a scenario as it seems, I believe the hamster is trying to communicate."

The hamster gave something like a sigh and looked up expectantly.

Joker's mouth opened, but he couldn't find any words. For perhaps the first time in his entire life, there was a situation that left him entirely speechless.

With a shake of its tiny head, the hamster began "talking" again.

"I think I can decipher some of its speech patterns," EDI said slowly.

Joker didn't want to know just how much processing it took to slow down a quantum computer. But translating hamster-ese was apparently high on the list. "And?" he asked.

"It wants you to recite something."

Joker shook his head. "I'm kind of busy dodging reapers right now. Maybe the furball can wait til the after-dinner show."

The hamster gave a sharp squeak followed by something that sounded too much like a growl for comfort. Joker didn't need a translation to understand that sentiment.

"Now that I have a baseline language matrix, I have enough resources to pilot the ship," EDI said.

"Fine," Joker flung his arms up.

Shepard's hamster leaped down to the deck and scurried to the open area near the airlock. It stopped just before a series of strange symbols painted on the floor. A circle surrounded by arcane runes. Upon closer inspection, the paint showed tiny footprints comprised the entire pattern.

"This is starting to get really damn weird now," Joker mumbled as he approached the animal.

Two small dark eyes stared up at him.

"Okay," he promised the little nightmare. EDI spoke the words Shepard's hamster had provided and Joker repeated them.

After the last syllable a deep silence fell over the bridge. Bright pure light shone through the painted symbols. Quickly more and more light enveloped the circle. The air shifted oddly like a decompression averted just as it had begun. When the light receded, a large man stood in the circle.

Covered in leather and metal with a huge sword strapped to his back, he looked like something out of an old fantasy vid. A large violet tattoo covered one eye and looped around in a large circle. Fine scars laced over his hands and bare head. He blinked slowly. Finally looking down his face erupted into a smile. "Boo!" he exclaimed.

Joker scramble back away from the impossible thing that just appeared in front of him. Clearly he'd hit his head at some point. None of this could actually be happening. Magic was not real. Hamsters didn't speak and barbarians didn't appear out of thin air.

"Jeff?" EDI asked. "I do not understand what just happened. There is no data of any comparable event outside of fiction."

Joker mumbled something unintelligible. Slowly, he continued backing away.

"Jeff?" EDI asked again.

"I don't know," he finally answered.

Boo quickly climbed up the strange man and perched on his shoulder. He quickly began squeaking. The sharp notes carried throughout the bridge. The man cocked his head to the side bringing an ear closer to the hamster.

"Boo says we must go to the city and help Shepard," the man spoke with a crisply accented flair.

"His translation is consistent with mine. I believe the "city" is the Citadel," EDI clarified.

The hamster squeaked once and the man quickly said, "Boo says yes."

Joker hid his face in one hand and massaged his temples. This was actually happening. "Okay," he slipped back into the pilot's chair. "To the Citadel."

000000000000

"Wake up."

Shepard squeezed her eyes tightly before opening them. Everything ached. She was still dizzy. Alarm jolted her into full consciousness. That wasn't Hackett's voice. She hadn't reached the panel. The Reapers...

With a gasp, she pushed herself up. Her eyes managed to focus. Familiar features came into sharp relief. The boy. "What?" she croaked.

The translucent blue light shaped like the child haunting her dreams began to explain. His words were fuzzy. They crawled around her mind leaving glimpses of meaning behind. She was having trouble understanding what he was saying. But something made her feel like whatever he was asking was alright. She should listen to him. His plan would make everything better.

This was her true purpose. This is what her death would purchase for all life. She took a shaking step forward.

"Go for the eyes, Boo! GO FOR THE EYES!" a voice roared.

The boy howled.

Shepard turned around. Fog cleared from her mind. The pain of her injuries intensified as she broke free from the lulling grasp of the child's words.

A large man charged toward the apparition swing a two-handed sword in a large arc. It sliced through the air where the boy stood, but connected with nothing. The man bellowed in rage.

A brown blur shot off his shoulder and raced toward a small console Shepard hadn't noticed before.

The image of the boy wavered as the man continued hacking through the mirage. The sword didn't seem to do any damage, but it did keep the boy's attention from noticing...a hamster?

Shepard limped toward the small animal at the console. Its tiny paws worked quickly over the controls. It spared a moment to meet her eyes and gave a mournful squeak before turning back to its task.

The holographic display above the controls turned from orange to brilliant yellow. Boo squeaked frantically. The hamster stood on its hind legs gesturing with its nose to a blinking symbol at the top of the display.

The pain was overwhelming. Her legs collapsed just before the console. With the last of her strength she slapped a hand on the blinking symbol. Darkness claimed her vision. Before losing consciousness though, she heard the soft crackling of a building charge.

000000000000

Kaidan wasn't entirely sure he believed Joker's jumbled report, but at the moment he didn't really care. The pilot could get him to Shepard. That's all that mattered.

"He was huge," Joker said again. "Crazy and huge."

"And talking to Shepard's hamster?" Kaidan asked.

"Trust me, I know it sounds crazy. Crazier than crazy. But, seriously, it happened. EDI, back me up here."

"Jeff's narrative is accurate," she agreed.

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck as he shook his head. Clearly something odd had happened, but he had a hard time believing it involved Shepard's hamster and a magically summoned barbarian. And yet, he'd seen the symbols on the floor. "Okay," he said. "We can sort it out later. Right now, just get me to her."

Joker dropped him the same place he'd dropped the other man. Fortunately the path seemed clear. Gripping his rifle, he set off to find Shepard.

The corridor around him began to hum with energy. He quickened his pace.

000000000000

"The crucible is powering up, sir." The lieutenant spared a quick look from his panel to see the Admiral's reaction.

Relief played across the old man's features for a moment. It had been fifteen minutes since losing contact with Shepard. Hackett had never known as much tension as he had in that quarter of an hour. "Continue monitoring," he ordered. They weren't in the clear yet.

"Readings are..." the younger man squinted at his screen. "They're...I don't really know, sir. I've never seen anything like it."

"Doctor?" Hackett called out over the comm. It didn't really matter who answered. Nearly every scientist on the crucible project held at least one doctorate in something. And any one of them would have a better chance at understanding the data than a simple Alliance tech.

A female voice answered. Familiar, but he couldn't remember her name. "We can't be sure," she said. "The energy signatures almost match a large mass relay event, but they're way outside the normal range."

Hackett crossed his arms tightly over his chest. Everything depended on this unknown. He hated working blind.

"Sir, you should see this."

"My God," the doctor said at nearly the same time.

000000000000

Kaidan took a tentative step through the barrier. He looked around trying to visualize where he was on the Citadel, but the only definite answer he could come up with was "outside". Stars peaked out from behind the thick tapestry of the battle. Explosions blossomed and faded away in the silent distance. Tall curved pillars reached up, giving the illusion that they held up the heavens themselves. In the center of the circular space was a torrent of bright yellow light. Tendrils crackled out from the main beam and crashed back into it. And...was that the Crucible?

He stood mesmerized by the sight until a high-pitched squeak caught his attention. As he tried to find the source, his eyes instead fell on Shepard's crumpled body.

He raced to her side, falling hard on his knees as he reached her. Gently he cradled her in his arms. "Oh, God. Shepard, please." He found a faint pulse. But each beat seemed to grow weaker. Medi-gel had no effect. "No, no, no. Shepard, come on. You promised me. Please, God."

His pleading had no effect. Tears burned in his eyes. He couldn't do this again.

"Boo says she has to drink this." Kaidan looked up to see a large man hovering over him. Immediately he knew this was the barbarian Joker described. And there on his shoulder perched a small brown hamster. Kaidan blinked twice, his brain unsure how to process the experience.

The man held out a glass bottle filled with scarlet liquid. As Kaidan took it he felt the warmth it radiated. He didn't argue. He didn't ask questions. Shepard was slipping away and he was willing to try anything.

Pulling out the cork stopper with his teeth, he said a silent prayer. Carefully holding her head up, he put the flask to her lips.

000000000000

Hackett ran to the lieutenant's station and looked over the younger man's shoulder at the scene playing out on the monitor. For a moment he thought his knees might give out.

A large gate had opened in empty space. Surrounded by piercing yellow light, a thin line tethered it to the Citadel. Crawling out were hamsters. Hamsters larger than any ship he'd ever seen. Giant space hamsters.

The Reapers immediately disengaged from the ships of the Citadel fleets, throwing all their resources toward the new threat. It was a slaughter.

Claws sliced through metal hulls. Teeth ripped at artificial appendages. The hamsters obliterated the Reaper ships. Large, small, it didn't matter. Nothing bigger than a shoebox survived the assault intact.

"Sir?"

Hackett patted the man's shoulder. "If you're hallucinating, so am I."

"Admiral, we have no idea how..." the scientist trailed off.

"I don't see how anyone could," Hackett answered. "Pull all fleets back," he ordered. "Give them plenty of room."

For the next few hours, members of all the Citadel races sat and watched. The hamsters methodically collected every scrap leftover from the reaper ships and sent it through the bright yellow gate. Then, quietly, they were gone. The gate flared brightly and disappeared.

Hackett wondered if the afterglow of the bright circle would ever fade from his eyes.

000000000000

Shepard was vaguely aware of something being held to her lips. Instinct allowed her to swallow the strange liquid. She tasted cinnamon and strawberries and something mossy. Warmth spread quickly through her body easing the pain. She drew in the first full breath in what felt like years.

Her eyes opened to Kaidan's relieved smile. She began to speak, but he covered her lips with his own. The kiss conveyed more than words ever could. Fear. Relief. Sorrow transformed to joy. And love that made her heart swell.

"Kaidan," she breathed when he released her.

"Shepard, thank God." His hands flitted over the healed skin of the previous wounds. "I don't know who you are or how or why, but thank you," he said to the barbarian.

Shepard followed his gaze to the man she'd seen attacking the avatar of the boy. "Is that my hamster?" she asked.

The man laughed, deep and infectious. She found herself smiling with him. "Boo likes you."

"And I like Boo," she answered earning a squeak of approval. "But who are you?"

"Minsc. And now Minsc and Boo!" He tilted his head lovingly toward the rodent on his shoulder.

Kaidan helped her stand. "How..." she began before taking a moment to put her thoughts in order. "Am I really alive?"

"Yes," Kaidan answered pulling her closer to him.

"But how?"

"Oh, Boo told Minsc you needed to drink the red potion. Red is for healing. I had to remember it because Boo was gone for a long time. But before he left he made me remember that red is for healing." The large man smiled, proud to have done so well.

"Thank you." She left Kaidan's side long enough to stand on the tips of her toes and kiss the barbarian's cheek. For good measure, she lightly scratched Boo's head. "Both of you."

Kaidan settled his arm back around her waist. "Let's get back to the Normandy."

A dozen debriefings later, the crew assembled in the lounge. Drinks in hand they toasted to victory. And to the heroes of the Reaper War: Shepard, Minsc and Boo!


End file.
